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Cheating in a relationship

#13366252
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I'd like to hear different opinions on the definition of cheating on your partner. Some say it's cheating to talk to another person and have feelings for said person, some say, without actual sex it isn't cheating.

My personal view on this is; anything you'd normally do with your partner, done with someone else is cheating. This includes texting non-stop with someone of the same sex and developing feelings. I also concider sexting cheating. I would never be able to forgive my partner if he cheated on me in any way, the trust would be gone and trust is the base of a relationship for me.

What are your views on this? What do you concider cheating? Would you forgive your partner?


Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366260
I think it very much depends on what both partners define as a relationship. What makes them different from good or best friends?

I think if my partner has romantic or sexual feelings about a person and acts on them in some way relating to the other person (e.g. going on "date"-like meetings, spending excessive time with them which is not spent with the actual partner, making declarations of more-than-friends affection or attraction, initiating physical romantic/sexual contact), I'd be irked.

I understand possibly having crushes on someone else during a relationship. The chemistry wears off eventually after all and sometimes meeting someone new and exciting will start up butterflies that had been a bit dormant for a while.
It's the responsibility of the person getting these "crush"-feelings to decide what they mean, in my opinion. If it's just the excitement of a new acquaintance you jive with, great, no problem.
If it's actual romantic/sexual attraction, one should examine if there's a problem with the current relationship that makes it easier to allow such feelings for someone else and if they want that to be fixed or if they're actually willing to act on these feelings.
In that case, if you actually feel you want to do things with the new person, I'd say it's only fair to break up with the current partner.
Anything done from that point on, when you decide you're willing to pursue something romantic/sexual with someone else without disclosing it to your partner would be cheating.

If you talk about it, maybe you decide to continue in an open relationship and if your partner is cool with that and the new person as well, awesome. Maybe you're realising through that experience that you're polyamorous, in which case that still needs to be discussed with all parties involved and steps taken from there.


My partner doesn't text me non-stop or anyone, so probably if he started I'd be confused but not consider it cheating necessarily (unless it was an action based on romantic/sexual interest, see above).
Friendly physicality is fine, too. Some people are just more gentle and sensual with their friends, too. If I know it's a friend thing.

Would I forgive cheating? Nah, probably not.
I'm an insecure person, so the betrayal would mess me up and I'd be driven to be always jealous, I think.
And as written above, I think the right thing to do is to react and make a decision regarding the relationship and talk about things rather than cheating, so hell no I wouldn't be cool with my partner going behind my back.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366312
Gosh Cheating. What a topic ... Difficult very difficult

Let's see. My opinion:
Sexting = cheating
Kissing = cheating
Anything of a sexual act = cheating

I believe if you love someone, you'd never even think of cheating. I'm not saying you can't feel anything for someone else because you can't control your feelings all the time, but if you really love the person you're in a relationship with then you won't act on it. OR you tell them about your feelings if you believe that your new feelings are greater than the love for your current boyfriend/girlfriend. There is no need to hurt your current boyfriend/girlfriend.

I'd never forgive cheating. I'd become a total wreck. Like Francis, I'm also an insecure person so I would start second guessing everything. And start wondering why. Why did he cheat, why am I not good enough? Is he speaking the truth about this meeting or did he just lie so he could meet up with someone? I'd become jealous and paranoid and I don't want to feel like that in a relationship!

Also, the person you cheated with will never be able to trust you. Because you cheated on your current boyfriend/girlfriend which caused maybe the breakup and then you end up with the one you cheated with. So what will stop you from repeating the process with the new person.

So if I'm in love with someone and find out they cheated on a previous girl, I'd seriously start questioning everything they did. I wouldn't trust them much. However...love is blind, so who knows right? I'll probably end up getting cheated on, breaking up and then blaming myself for not ending it BEFORE the cheating and allowing myself to get hurt like that.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366916
I've always prescribed to a sort of... looser expectation when it comes to this sort of thing, and maybe that just means monogamy isn't the most effective way for me to personally approach relationships, but I feel that, in general, what constitutes cheating should really be defined on a case by case basis. Every couple has different needs and expectations within their own relationship, and this is probably one of those things we should be discussing with our partners early on to avoid a messy situation later, even if it is uncomfortable to bring up or discuss.

Personally, in my relationships, I consider cheating to be any physical act undergone outside of agreed upon perameters and without seeking the approval of your partner first. I rarely consider the emotional stuff cheating because I don't honestly feel as though it is something that can be controlled, and as long as it is communicated openly to your partner, it can be handled in whatever way works best for the couple. In my current relationship, the expectation is just that we let each other know if those feelings develop and where they are headed. Neither of us are awfully jealous, and we both understand that our partner loving someone else doesn't diminish our love for each other. It wasn't necessarily that way in my previous relationships, though. Polyamory is difficult to enter into if your relationship started out monogomous, which brings me to a kind of gray area.


Say you're in a relationship, and you develop feelings outside of that relationship which you then bring to your partners attention. If your partner okays a polyamorous relationship they aren't okay with, but doesn't let on that they are uncomfortable, and they end up feeling hurt in the same way they would have if they had been cheated on, how does that fall into the mix? It's not really cheating as far as I'm concerned, it's just kind of... unfortunate. But whether the relationship ends or continues, there's the potential for it to be seen in the same light as cheating and cause the same kind of damage.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366917
For me, cheating is complicated and a situation-to-situation kind of thing. Cheating for me, is breaking the agreement of rules within the relationship.
But, I do agree with those who say that if you develop feelings for someone else than your partner, and you act upon it, especially without your partner knowing, you're cheating unless your partner has specifically said it's alright.

And I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who wanted me to do partner-things with other people. Pure sexual things, I can understand, but romantic things are for couples. Partners. Not side-chicks/dudes.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366923
Nuna wrote:
Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:04 am
[...] Polyamory is difficult to enter into if your relationship started out monogomous, which brings me to a kind of gray area.


Say you're in a relationship, and you develop feelings outside of that relationship which you then bring to your partners attention. If your partner okays a polyamorous relationship they aren't okay with, but doesn't let on that they are uncomfortable, and they end up feeling hurt in the same way they would have if they had been cheated on, how does that fall into the mix? It's not really cheating as far as I'm concerned, it's just kind of... unfortunate. But whether the relationship ends or continues, there's the potential for it to be seen in the same light as cheating and cause the same kind of damage.
In my friend circle there was actually a situation like this recently.
One part of a couple realised they had feelings for a person other than their partner that took nothing away from the feelings for their partner.
They realised that this had happened before and they'd always kind of pushed it away and suffered for it, but now wanted to be clear with themselves that they were polyamorous.
The partner said they were okay with it and they talked about it a lot and made sure to be on the same page every step of the way and such.

In the end, they did break up after just a few weeks. There were some other reasons, but among them was that the non-polyamorous partner wasn't as comfortable with it as they thought they would be, so it was hurting them.
Still, they were able to end things amicably and both seem level-headed, if sad since the reason for the breakup wasn't a lack of love at all.
I'm certain they'll be friends again eventually.

But yea, I feel like polyamory just isn't something everyone is built for (see insecurity => jealousy in my previous post). I know I'd always be comparing myself and feeling lesser than other people my partner is interested in. But I think it's great when people for whom it is ideal find others who are likeminded.
Of course that is more smooth if it's established prior to entering a relationship.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366936
@Francis It's really nice that it ended amicably for them. I get the impression that this sort of thing is probably a lot more common than I once thought it was. This is something that actually happened in a previous relationship of mine as well. Unfortunately it didn't end as amicably for us, which is frustrating after seven years, but my ex just couldn't handle polyamory, and the damage had already been done by that point. He ended up becoming pretty cold toward me after we'd broken up, and he made several of our mutual friends pretty uncomfortable with the way he talked about me after the fact. It was rough for me because I really did love him, and we had been talking for years about polyamory before we'd actually tried it. I honestly believed that it was something he wanted too. Just real unfortunate all around.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13366940
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For me the most important thing in a relationship is trust and loyalty. I want to be the only one he loves / has feelings for / does romantic & sexual things with. I can't live with the idea of my boyfriend texting (sexting, too) with girls and developing feelings for them.
I just want to be the only one for my partner and my partner would be the only one for me.


Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13367820
Talking to someone relentlessly then trying to hide everything from your partner is cheating, along with sexting, sharing nudes etc.

I'm a jerk and I have not stayed faithful in any monogamous relationships I have ever been in. Every single one of them ended because I was cheating except one, which ended because she died of Leukemia. I am just not meant for monogamy. I am in an open relationship now and much happier.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13374677
Speaking as someone who has been cheated on multiple times, there is a large part of me that wants to say SHAME on anyone who has cheated on anyone before.
It can seriously mess with one's abilities to ever fully trust another person in a relationship again.

But, on the other hand, I honestly don't think monogamous relationships are for everyone, and not everybody will know this without making some huge mistakes first. For some people, it's probably best not to be in a relationship (open or not) at all.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13375340
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xx__I've never dated myself, but I've heard enough stories of cheating
xx__that I've developed my own views of what it should be.
xx__First, both emotional and physical attachments to another person
xx__aside from one's current partner is cheating to me.
xx__People who say cheating is only when someone has sex with someone else
xx__aside from their partner is delusional.
xx__Emotional cheating I feel would be more hurtful, I guess.
xx__Being connected to someone on an emotional level and having that severed
xx__can have serious consequences, mentally. I guess cheating through sex
xx__can have the same impact, but I guess since I'm more in tune with my feelings,
xx__in my mind, I just feel it would hurt more.

xx__People who cheat are scum to me. Trust and loyalty are huge, especially in relationships!
xx__To violate those very things can cause someone to always be on their guard,
xx__and can make them never fully trust another person again.
xx__Honestly, as hard as it may be, if you're currently dating someone, and
xx__are falling in love with another person who you truly, genuinely have feelings for,
xx__and are falling out of love with your current partner, save yourself the trouble
xx__of lying and cheating and just break up with your partner.
xx__If you are in the exact same situation, but are still in love with your partner,
xx__really take the time to evaluate your relationship(s) and yourself.
xx__Either take the time to work things out with your partner or decide to end things and start anew.
xx__Of course, due to my lack of experience, it may be easier said than done,
xx__but I would think people value their integrity as a person
xx__and not do something so stupid as cheating.
xx__However, since it's done so often, I guess not... :smirk:


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Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13376052
pearsonly i think that going on a date with someone that is not your partner is cheating. also going on dateing sites when you are already in a relationship. thats not ok.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13377915
:cherry_blossom:
If exclusivity has been agreed without any further discussion I'd assume things like kissing, fondling, and any type of sex would be cheating. Sexting, yeah, at least if it's with someone they know.

I don't think just texting a lot with another person can be considered cheating,
not irrespective of the content, anyway. I mean, there are times when I've just gotten a new friend and I'm super excited about that, without that meaning I have any romantic interest in them.

If a partner cheated on me I wouldn't really care so much about them cheated, as about why they cheated. Is there something that's not working in our relationship, do they still want to be with me, etc.

:cherry_blossom:

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13383044
I know I could forgive my partner for cheating on me considering it did happen. At the end of the day, I understand my partner wasn't trying to hurt me and considering he tried to kill himself while I was away in the military... well I am able to forgive him.

As far as what I constitute as cheating, if you're doing something with someone else and you feel the need to hide it out of shame or guilt, or just you know what you are doing is wrong then you're cheating. If you aren't doing anything wrong, there's no reason to hide it from your partner. That's how I view it anyway, may be vague as anything but yeah lol.

Re: Cheating in a relationship

#13388469
For me, cheating is simple, and IMO boils down to intent.

I text non-stop to people of the same sex, flirt even, but that doesn't mean I'm cheating. My husband agrees.
If I take that situation, the scenario I texted to the person about, and put it to real life: Would I do it? No. Because I have no reason to, no value in seeking external physical comforts. And my husband knows this. We both know this of each other. He knows, understands, accepts, and encourages me to be myself: Which includes flirting with people. Because he knows I would never cheat on him. Seeking verbal amusement with other humans, in our eyes, is just that: It's a connection with your race. It's being human.

So yeah. For us, it boils down to honesty, trust, communication, and intent.
Are we honest about what we do, do we trust the other IS being honest, do we communicate what we're doing, and is our intent to gain physical attention from others. :D

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