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Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13385605
I'm sorry I left without an explanation,

It won't cut it, and I am not asking you to trust me or forgive me. I just want you to know that I wish this didn't happen. It makes it worse to know I could've made another choice and I didn't. If you wonder why I did this, the reason is this: I was scared. I was angry. You've turned my head around and around over the past 8 months. Love confessions in one second, rejection and anger the next. Being lovely for a few days, then lashing out at me and telling me I'm not enough. And then you blamed it all on me. "You don't trust me." "You're manipulative". And I scraped and apologized and started accordingly hating myself because I couldn't make you happy. I couldn't even be happy. You left for others (you needn't tell me, I knew. It was transparent, as I'm sure you were aware) and came back wondering why I didn't chase you. Keeping me at arms length but always letting me fight to defuse you.
I felt insane. I felt lost. I was tired already. When you came back that last time, after a damn week of silence, after building me up and making me laugh in the night just a day before, I realized I couldn't handle another round. We'd argue, things would return to nothing, I'd wonder what I was doing wrong for the rest of my life.
I think I began to understand then why someone else did this to you before. I hope you understand someday. I think I began to feel that panic that builds up when you realize someone doesn't really want you but also doesn't want to let you go. Serves me right, I suppose.
I didn't trust you fully no, even though I wanted to. Trust doesn't just happen because you demand it, it needs to build in time. In my own time. I could never even trust what you said. You told me you loved me but didn't really show it. You left, you told me you were done, and apparently you weren't. Two long, angry, broken emails told me you weren't done at all.

I am. Not because I want to hurt you, but because I need to stop hurting myself with this. I loved you, way too much, and it sucked.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13386271
I hate your mother. I hate how she is always fucking up your life, and I hate the fact that when your life gets fucked up you shut me out. I love you, you love me. Simple as that. That means when shit hits the fan, I'm there to utilize whatever I have at my disposal to help, and when shit hits the fan for me I hope you are there to help if you can. That means that given whatever shit you are currently dealing with, I will help, I'll find solutions. If you listen, the solutions I can come up with aren't "Band aids," they're legitimate long term solutions. We are a team dammit, if she keeps fucking up then I'll help when I can just stop being so damn prideful and accept it.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13386557
Dear friend who is no longer with us.

I feel incredibly sad that you left us the way you did.
I can't help but feel a little angry with you, even though I know it's unreasonable and selfish of me, and that makes me sad also.

I went to your funeral yesterday. I didn't cry, but I got damn close. I hugged people, I shook hands, and I went to your wake, talking to people about you and the memories of you.

It hurts. I know we weren't that close, but I still cared about you, and I have fond memories of you.
My heart bleeds for the children you left behind, and for your husband who has to put on a brave face for them. I feel so bad.

I know there was nothing I could have done to help you, there was nothing anyone could do, but part of me still wishes you wouldn't have given up on helping yourself.

I can't believe I'm at that age where I go to funerals because I want to, not because a family member died and I have to.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13388234
Hey Sofronio,

I really am glad we were able to work things out. I know things are really rough for you because you're unemployed and homeless. I promise, I'll keep doing what I can to help. Weather it's keeping an ear out for job openings, letting you sleep at my place (even though I live with my aunt and she has no idea as far as I know), whatever I can do to help you get on your feet I will do. I know you would do what you could if I was in a similar position. You always have me in your corner, no matter what just don't push me away. That's when the real trouble starts. I really do love you to the moon and back, and I know you'll get through this.

Hey Work,

You are so fucking stressful sometimes with people asking me to get files when they haven't even bothered to look themselves for it, how the filing that needs to be done tends to pile up, and how sometimes work feels like it's endless but I do enjoy you. My coworkers are great people, my direct supervisor is understanding and a sweetheart, the principals are amazing men and it feels like it could be like family here for me eventually. I hope as I continue to learn things and grow with the company that I feel the same way.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13389061
Dear friend.

I know I've written about this before, but god damnit, I will again a 1000 times until I finally get it out of my system.

These emotions I'm having towards you are really confusing.
I feel like there's more feelings in your direction than there should be.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were becoming a small obsession of mine. Or maybe I don't know better...

The logical part of me doesn't want you to ever know about it, and I refuse to act on the feelings anyways, but there's a small part of me that still wishes you'll one day guess it and confront me about it, if nothing else, to give me a chance to explain myself.
I don't want you to know how I feel because I fear it would ruin your trust in me, and ruin the dynamic of our friendship. I'm happy/content with the way things are.

But... Like I said. A small part of me still wishes you'll one day wonder about it and give me the opportunity to explain it without me having to be the one to bring it up.
I'm not going to be all petty and drop small hints. I don't play games, I'm way too old for that shit. I promise you I will never (consciously) do anything that could potentially harm our friendship.

I don't want to lose you.

I will rather stand on the sidelines and be the best friend forever than jump into something that may or may not end things prematurely, and then wind up not having you in my life.

You're too valuable to me to risk it.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13389620
Dear myself.

Hello you. We haven't had a heart-to-heart in a while.
You need to stop what you're doing and think about yourself.

You're doing it again, that thing where you throw yourself away and sacrifice everything for someone who's not willing to do the same for you, and it HAS to stop.
He doesn't feel that way about you. You'll always be the "sister", the "girl next door" to him, and nothing else. Girl, you need to move on.
I'm not saying you need to focus your energy on someone else, there doesn't have to be anyone. But you need to divert it away from him. It's not worth it.

Your feelings for him are not necessary, they're not logical, they're not going to produce anything positive.

You think you want him, but what if all you want is the idea of him? What if you're crushing on crushing, if that makes sense?
You like the fantasy, but there will never be a real deal. HE. DOESN'T. LOVE. YOU. LIKE. THAT.
Realise it. Accept it. Deal with it.

Love yourself. Focus on yourself.
Take care of yourself. Put yourself first, not someone else.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13391981
Dear -insert a certain username here-

Awhile back, you were a douche to me, saying I was too negative when I was trying to not get to down in the dumps and all. I was trying to keep that out of our rps and conversations....what you did and said, mostly ruined this website for me. And rping...I now only do it to waste time, I no longer enjoy it...it's just something to keep my mind occupied....thanks to you...because I can't afford to put that much energy and creativity into multiple things to see them all fall apart at once. So...I essentially enjoy nothing but food now and you were start of that. Not all of it, but without you, I doubt I would be as depressed (though probably still very depressed) as I am today...who knows? Either way, it is what it is. I just checked your page because I do miss our rps, though I don't miss you...and you haven't even been on in forever. Is it bad that part of me is happy about that....even though I rarely get on or post or do anything here anymore?

Oh well.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13392704

pt;

wow. it's been a while since the last letter. i know people usually stop doing this kind of thing, move on, don't think about it again, or if they do they just keep it to themself so they don't give in and keep the cycle going. well, i'm keeping the cycle going. i'm in college for creative writing now, something i don't think would have been easily found without your influence. i think you'd be surprised, and maybe even a little proud, if you saw me now.
compare it to me six, seven years ago and it's really something. i still think about the last time we talked. 2009, i believe. eight years, if my limited math abilities are right. that's a long time. it's enough time to grow up, change identities, figure out who you are and then be comfortable with yourself enough to say it. i go by emmett now, even though when i was on here i didn't go by my old name. i'd probably still let you call me kairi, since anything else would feel kinda weird.
i dont know what happened to you. i don't know why you didn't post the next day, why you just...disappeared. i don't know why i can't stop thinking about it, either.
closure is what i want, i think, but i'm not going to get it. i hope you're happy. i hope you got to achieve any and all dreams you had. i'll be thinking about you again, i think, come december. the fifth was the last time i talked to you, eight years ago albeit.
i'll be thinking of you for a while. i don't know if i'll stop, since you kind of just pop into my head at random times. because of you, i think i can actually accomplish doing something i enjoy now. thank you. thank you so much.

kairi.

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