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Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13385605
I'm sorry I left without an explanation,

It won't cut it, and I am not asking you to trust me or forgive me. I just want you to know that I wish this didn't happen. It makes it worse to know I could've made another choice and I didn't. If you wonder why I did this, the reason is this: I was scared. I was angry. You've turned my head around and around over the past 8 months. Love confessions in one second, rejection and anger the next. Being lovely for a few days, then lashing out at me and telling me I'm not enough. And then you blamed it all on me. "You don't trust me." "You're manipulative". And I scraped and apologized and started accordingly hating myself because I couldn't make you happy. I couldn't even be happy. You left for others (you needn't tell me, I knew. It was transparent, as I'm sure you were aware) and came back wondering why I didn't chase you. Keeping me at arms length but always letting me fight to defuse you.
I felt insane. I felt lost. I was tired already. When you came back that last time, after a damn week of silence, after building me up and making me laugh in the night just a day before, I realized I couldn't handle another round. We'd argue, things would return to nothing, I'd wonder what I was doing wrong for the rest of my life.
I think I began to understand then why someone else did this to you before. I hope you understand someday. I think I began to feel that panic that builds up when you realize someone doesn't really want you but also doesn't want to let you go. Serves me right, I suppose.
I didn't trust you fully no, even though I wanted to. Trust doesn't just happen because you demand it, it needs to build in time. In my own time. I could never even trust what you said. You told me you loved me but didn't really show it. You left, you told me you were done, and apparently you weren't. Two long, angry, broken emails told me you weren't done at all.

I am. Not because I want to hurt you, but because I need to stop hurting myself with this. I loved you, way too much, and it sucked.
#13386271
I hate your mother. I hate how she is always fucking up your life, and I hate the fact that when your life gets fucked up you shut me out. I love you, you love me. Simple as that. That means when shit hits the fan, I'm there to utilize whatever I have at my disposal to help, and when shit hits the fan for me I hope you are there to help if you can. That means that given whatever shit you are currently dealing with, I will help, I'll find solutions. If you listen, the solutions I can come up with aren't "Band aids," they're legitimate long term solutions. We are a team dammit, if she keeps fucking up then I'll help when I can just stop being so damn prideful and accept it.

Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send .

#13386557
Dear friend who is no longer with us.

I feel incredibly sad that you left us the way you did.
I can't help but feel a little angry with you, even though I know it's unreasonable and selfish of me, and that makes me sad also.

I went to your funeral yesterday. I didn't cry, but I got damn close. I hugged people, I shook hands, and I went to your wake, talking to people about you and the memories of you.

It hurts. I know we weren't that close, but I still cared about you, and I have fond memories of you.
My heart bleeds for the children you left behind, and for your husband who has to put on a brave face for them. I feel so bad.

I know there was nothing I could have done to help you, there was nothing anyone could do, but part of me still wishes you wouldn't have given up on helping yourself.

I can't believe I'm at that age where I go to funerals because I want to, not because a family member died and I have to.
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